Life is a bit complicated around here but I am doing my best to stay grounded and positive. Well, as positive as possible when you love and live with someone who has a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) diagnosis. My husband, of just about 21 years, is struggling mightily. His demons are WAY bigger than what he can cope with a lot of the time, but he holds on. He is barely treading water right now and there is nothing I can do to help him really. I worry every day that something will trigger him and push him over the edge. I live in fear that another suicide attempt is right around the corner. BPD isn’t an easily helped condition. He has been on the whole alphabet of pharmaceuticals over the last 10 years. None have really made much of a difference. He has been going to therapy regularly both one on one and in group too. Some days are better than others.
It can be difficult for me to stay grounded. I love this man and it hurts so much to see him slip away. I mean, he is here, but the illness is so consuming to him. I yearn for the way it used to be. I miss the man that I used to laugh with. I miss looking eagerly towards the future. We live day to day most of the time. On the bad days, it is hour to hour. I can only be here for him, as much as he will allow me to be. We’ve got three kids and a business that need to be cared for. If I lose my shit, that stuff won’t get done. So I do what I can to reground myself often as needed.
My grounding tools of choice include my vast collection of oracle cards. I’ve got at least 7 decks scattered across my house. I haven’t used them very often, but I am actually finding peace in the messages that provide. A card reading always gives me things to consider. A change of perspective is always a possibility. I can’t change what is going on with him, but I can change the way I react to it all.
This morning, I used my Messages from Your Angels deck. It actually made me feel a little hopeful. 😌
Question Asked: What is coming up for me?
Chantall – “New romance is imminent – with a newcomer (not going to happen!) or through reignited passion in your existing relationship. Be open to giving and receiving love.”
This card hit home for me. One of the hardest parts of this mental health challenge is that the “we” of our relationship has faded. It reappears briefly every blue moon, but it is usually gone as quickly as it appeared.
Zanna – “You are protected from all types of harm. The worst is now behind you. I ask you to relax and feel safe.”
I think this is my sticking point. I have been living my life holding my breath for a very long time. When things seem better, I have a difficult time living in the moment and appreciating it. I warily see the better, but wait for it to get hard again. I want to believe that the worst is behind me but keep bringing up past experiences as proof that it won’t.
My rampant “what-if” negative thinking is doing me no favors. It’s apparent that I need to do some work on my expectations and chronic thought patterns. What you think about will come to be.
Three Months from Now
Grace and Antoinette – “To help heal this situation, see the other person’s point of view with compassion.”
Without a doubt, there could not have been a more true card pull where BPD is concerned. I can not understand what he is feeling. I can only guess but compassion will go a long way to making him feel validated and heard. Learning more about cultivating compassion is definitely in order, for both his well being and mine.
After using the oracle cards, I decided to go to another tool. EFT (emotional freedom techniques) has had a HUGE impact on my life. I honestly think it has kept me level when I could have very easily gone off the deep end. There are lots of great teachers on youtube and online. Some of my favorites are Brad Yates, Nick and Jessica Ortner and Robert Smith. I saw this tapping video from Brad Yates come across my facebook feed and thought it was an awesome match to what I needed. The poor me mentality and the I’ve got no control thought process just aren’t cutting it anymore. It’s time to take responsibility for my thoughts!
If you have never tapped before, watching the video will show you where the tapping spots are. If you have, you can read through his script below the video and read and tap.
Taking Responsibility for Your Life – Tapping with Brad Yates
(As transcribed from the Youtube Video)
I don’t want to get into a hierarchy of what’s most important in life but it can be argued, one of the most important things is taking responsibility for your life.
You know because if you’re not responsible for creating your own life.
You’re kind of at the whim of other people or outside forces. So it’s really great to take responsibility and say “You know what? I AM creating my life. It’s up to me.”
And I’m not talking about the past. This is not about you know taking the blame.
or it’s your fault for things that happen in the past. Particularly if there have been some traumatic things that have happened to you.
I’m not interested in having you say “yes, It’s my fault that this terrible thing happened to me” or that I have this disease or whatever it is. Not there.
It’s about right now. In this moment saying “Okay from where I am right now, I am taking responsibility for creating a better life. For creating what I want.”
to whatever extent I possibly can, which you know is arguably absolutely.
So taking full responsibility for your own well-being in this tapping video and in life…
KC (Karate Chop): I choose to take responsibility for my life and I choose to love and accept myself.
KC: I Choose to take responsibility for my life and I choose to love and honor myself.
KC: I choose to take responsibility for my life. There are things that I want to have happen. There are things I’d like to have in my life. And, most importantly,
there are things that I wish to feel. And I’m not waiting for anyone else to make that happen.
KC: I choose to take responsibility for my life and I choose to deeply and completely love, honor and accept myself. And everyone else who shows up in my life.
EB (Eyebrow): I’ve taken responsibility for my life.
SE (Side of Eye): If there are things that I want to have happen
UE (Under Eye): I’m doing what I can to create that
UN (Under Nose): I’m creating my reality
CH (Chin): And I’m doing all that I can
CB (Collarbone): To make it the best reality possible
UA (Under Arm) : So I’m letting go of blaming others
TH (Top of Head): And that’s hard to do sometimes
EB: Part of me really wants to blame others
SE: But then I’m stuck
UE: and my life can’t get any better
UN: Until other people do something
CH: And I don’t want to play that way
CB: And even if it’s possible
UA: That I don’t really create my own reality I
TH: I choose to live as though I do
EB: Because it’s much more empowering
SE: It’s much more motivating.
UE: It’s much more fun
UN: And so I’m taking responsibility for my life I
CH: Am where I am right now
CB: And where I go from here
UA: Is up to me I
TH: Have the power to move on from here
EB: And I’m using that power wisely
SE: I’m taking responsibility for where I go from here
UE: And I’ve taken responsibility for how I feel
UN: How I feel right now is
CH: Not anyone else’s fault
CB: Even if part of me really wants to say it is
UA: But I choose not to be a victim right now I
TH: Choose to take responsibility for how I feel
EB: And I can choose to feel bad
SE: And I can choose to feel good
UE: The choice is mine
UN: I’m taking responsibility for that choice
CH: And I’m using that responsibility wisely
CB: I’m choosing to feel really good
UA: And that’s up to me
TH: In body mind and spirit
Take a deep breath
And let it go
Use your power wisely, thank you for doing so.